Helplessness Blues

Ahhh Facebook. Thanks for reminding me what a big loser I am these days. I’m mostly kidding, but I did learn tonight thanks to Facebook saving my former status updates (Facebook! Stop creepin’ on me!) that on THIS EXACT DAY in 2009 I was packing up after spending the summer adventuring in Costa Rica and Ecuador, and on this same day a year ago I was all packed and ready to leave the 13th to start teaching in Spain. Realizing that after unpacking all my things a week ago into my Grandparents’ guest room closet made me feel like I’d taken a big leap backwards, and I had to remind myself that really in this moment I am exactly where I want to be. You have to understand a few things:

First of all, last year was maybe the most stress-free year of my life. I really enjoyed my time in Spain and traveling about and a year flew by, but I still hated missing holidays and reunions and being so far away for so long. Which is why, when my summer came to an end, and I had a million ideas about what to do next but still no actual plan or funds, Auburn seemed like a great place to get back on my feet. I’d get to hang out with my Grandparents, be close enough drive up to Chico to see my other Grandmother/ Aunt/ Uncle/ watch my favorite little cousins grow up for a while, and explore Northern California, hopefully by visiting friends in Sacramento, San Francisco, Tahoe and San Jose.

The other thing is, my Grandma is hilarious. I really love her and I am genuinely excited to get to live with her. I plan on figuring out what makes her tick, so I can be just as awesome when I’m 79. Here are some quotes from the master herself:

‘The doctor told me I shrunk 4 inches. I hope I don’t die a midget.’

(After eating delicious BLT’s for dinner) -Grandma I’m reading this book about factory farming and it’s freaking me out and I think I might have to stop eating meat. ‘Ugh. Quit reading it.’

‘I wouldn’t mind using a walker. I’d put a little purple vase with a little purple flower on the front so everyone could see how good I was at it.’

‘Wish in one hand and crap in the other, see which gets full faster.’

-Grandma, your hair is so blonde! ‘Yep, after nearly 80 years I figured it was finally time to get away from my normal whore-y red.’

(After a week of checking to see if she’d won the lottery, with no luck) ‘Nope. Lost again. If you need me I’ll be trying to drown myself in the toilet. Not easy, let me tell you.’

See? So, I need to stop only thinking/worrying about what will come next, which will be a struggle, because that is what I am best at obsessing over. Even if I don’t have a fancy career or fancy apartment or fancy fiance or fancy whatever, I’m satisfied with what I’ve done so far, and I am, in this moment, very very very happy to be here.

3 thoughts on “Helplessness Blues

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